How is it possible to go to bed buzzing and wake up like you've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson? I think right now I would like to go back to how I was, feeling depressed all the time. It has to be far better than this constant roller coaster ride, never knowing where I'm going to wind up. I'm not even sure why this is happening, why the constant shifting states? No one can give me an answer they just expect me to 'deal', ride through the lows and be careful of the highs, where's the sense in that? If someone had told me years ago it was possible to range from feeling high as a kite one minute to suicidal the next I'd have laughed them out of the room, yet that's what my life is like and I'm scared it won't be long until I act on either impulse. Am I crazy or just hypersensitive? People keep telling me everyone has 'mood swings', sure people are variable, I'm a psychology undergraduate, give me some credit, but this is just plain ridiculous, 'normal' people do not range like this surely?
I wish I could make sense of my head. Or learn to be articulate enough to explain just how surreal this is to someone who gives a damn. Three psychiatrists in as many months and none of them are prepared to intervene. Both lithium and anti-psychotics have been suggested yet when push comes to shove nothing changes. I'm so tempted to refuse all medication just to be difficult now. Why should I prescribe to their three a day routine when they wont even give me a straight answer on anything. If I'm going to swing like a yo-yo then I'd rather not be popping placebos at the same time because that's what these damn things feel like. At least by coming off them I'd know how I really stand, what I'm like drug free and all. Problem is the GP is never going to agree to it so I may as well not waste my time asking and just stop taking them.
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