'All of a sudden the wind just changed direction and that big black cloud came rolling in' (The Feeling - Miss You)

How is it possible to go to bed buzzing and wake up like you've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson? I think right now I would like to go back to how I was, feeling depressed all the time. It has to be far better than this constant roller coaster ride, never knowing where I'm going to wind up. I'm not even sure why this is happening, why the constant shifting states? No one can give me an answer they just expect me to 'deal', ride through the lows and be careful of the highs, where's the sense in that? If someone had told me years ago it was possible to range from feeling high as a kite one minute to suicidal the next I'd have laughed them out of the room, yet that's what my life is like and I'm scared it won't be long until I act on either impulse. Am I crazy or just hypersensitive? People keep telling me everyone has 'mood swings', sure people are variable, I'm a psychology undergraduate, give me some credit, but this is just plain ridiculous, 'normal' people do not range like this surely?
I wish I could make sense of my head. Or learn to be articulate enough to explain just how surreal this is to someone who gives a damn. Three psychiatrists in as many months and none of them are prepared to intervene. Both lithium and anti-psychotics have been suggested yet when push comes to shove nothing changes. I'm so tempted to refuse all medication just to be difficult now. Why should I prescribe to their three a day routine when they wont even give me a straight answer on anything. If I'm going to swing like a yo-yo then I'd rather not be popping placebos at the same time because that's what these damn things feel like. At least by coming off them I'd know how I really stand, what I'm like drug free and all. Problem is the GP is never going to agree to it so I may as well not waste my time asking and just stop taking them.

'Everybody's talking at me, I can't hear a word they're saying, only the echoes of my mind' (The Beautiful South - Everybody's Talking)

3am and my mind is racing, thoughts blurring through my mind like an express train heading somewhere far away. Words and sounds blow through my brain like the changing tides, each though leading to another until they entwine and become each other. Nothing makes sense yet there is a perfect clarity to my thinking. Sleep seems pointless, there are so many other things I could be doing with that eight hour period and my mind won't stay quiet enough to settle anyway. Everything and anything seems possible as if someone has fed me invincibility tablets which have somehow lifted the fog of my depression and transported me to a fairytale faraway land which I now inhabit. Is this real? Will it last? Perhaps I'm not sleeping because I'm scared I will awake in the morning to find the cruel reality once more. A bleak and empty world in which I feel like a stranger. How do I convey this energy and zest for life I've suddenly discovered? Can I bottle it and keep it for a darker day? The rain keeps on pouring, cleaning the land and cleaning my soul as if the badness which once lived inside of me has been washed away. I want to dance in the rain and let it cleanse my skin, so many times before I have been compelled to stand in its downpours, allowing myself to become engulfed in the mystery of it all until nature and I become one. Only now I don't have the privacy of my own garden and I'm not sure I could explain my actions should I be seen by my fellow residents. They would assume I'd lost the plot, rather than understanding the simplistic beauty of the world around us. Still the feeling is still there, the same one which wants me to run and run as far away as possible to nowhere in particular and back again. Perhaps I should go away, take a holiday to some exotic land and just wander a different place for a while. Reinvent myself again and become something new, for surely I can be whatever I want to be and do whatever I want to do. These everyday rules which tie us down zap the life out of us until we all become mindless zombies slaving away to pay our bills. Surely there is more to life than this? Money is such a meaningless object perhaps living without it would make more sense. But what exactly does make sense, is there sense in anything or is everything just random in this choatic world? I'm not sure of the answer or how to find it, perhaps I'm asking the wrong questions but what are the right ones to be asking?