'Lights go out and I can't be saved, tides that I tried to swim against have brought me down upon my knees' (Coldplay - Clocks)

I long for the peace I felt not so long ago, when my mind stopped and I lay waiting for fate to take its course. The soothing feeling of knowing that I would no longer have to endure the daily struggles to simply survive offered the comfort of a mothers' womb, the idea that I would wake in a hospital bed the next day escaped my mind as if it would never occur. There are not words to describe the mixed emotions of that night, the sudden realisation that everything I worked so hard to build had come crashing down around my feet swallowed what little fight there was left and final gave me license to buy into the thoughts which have invaded my mind for so many years.
The moment had been planned for so long, originally when a date was set I never fully believed I'd go through with my decision. It was set so far in advance because I was longing for life to improve before the day arrived. How wrong can one person be? I'm not sure if the downward spiral of events leading up to the night were destined to happen anyway or as the time approached I provoked people to act in certain ways in order to justify my choice. I know for sure the events of the evening were as a direct result of the latter. By pushing away the one person I cared about most I gave myself permission to give up and act upon the darker thoughts of my mind.
I remember feeling frantic once the choice had been made, all I wanted to do was get home and swallow the handfuls of pills I have been so carefully hoarding. I think upon reflection I wanted to make sure nobody had the ability to stop me, to talk me round or convince me that there was a slim possibility of hope. The last spark of my soul disappeared that night and I've not managed to regain it since. I'm beginning to think I never will. This depression and despair has been with me for too many years for the light to suddenly come back on.
Once again I find myself fighting for an existence I'm not even sure I want. Trying to rebuild the foundations of my life upon ground which is far too weathered and worn for the cement to hold. All I can do to escape the harsh reality of this world is daydream about feeling a peace like I felt that night. That's not to say I'm going to just act on impulse again, this is far too important a decision to act upon without proper preparation. I've always said if I'm going to go, I'm going to do it properly and not mess it up, I've made one failed attempt I'm sure as hell not going to do that again. I guess in some twisted sense I feel like I've messed my entire life up, if there's one thing I desperately want to get right it's this.