'Everyday I fight a war against the mirror, I can't take the person staring back at me, I'm a hazard to myself' (P!nk - Don't Let Me Get Me)

So here we are again, full restriction mode in place. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve this time round, knowing that I've been down this path before to no avail and yet I feel powerless to stop it. The skinny jeans buried at the bottom of the wardrobe aren't helping, if anything they're taunting me from afar, daring me to once again find a way to fit into them, regardless of the cost. But what will a pair of size 6's accomplish, will it even end there this time around, or will I push it to the maximum?
In a sensible, responsible mode, I know where this will lead and it isn't pleasant. Constantly being cold no matter how many layers I wear, concentration which flickers on and off like a light bulb, bad skin, sore joints, cramps in my legs, infections, dizziness, blood tests, supplements, chipped teeth, insomnia. The list is endless. So why knowing all of that first hand do I chose to continue, what do I hope to accomplish? This certainly isn't a recipe for success where my degree is concerned, I'll be lucky if I'm awake enough to actually attend lectures, let alone the cycle ride there or the essays I'll need to write. Equally it won't do my mental health much good either, fatigue is good for no one. I'm going to become a walking zombie, yet still I continue.
It's a denial, of both food and feeling. Life is too overwhelming right now to allow myself to feel this pain, the only way to sort it is to deny food and deny thoughts, letting out minimal issues through the use of a razor blade. I seem to go through patterns, discuss my feelings, explore things and binge binge binge, like you've never seen anyone eat before. Or stop the whole lot, don't feel anything and equally don't eat. I swing between these two constantly, never able to find the balance of allowing myself to express feelings in a controlled fashion and equally allow my eating to be controlled. It's all or nothing, every time.
Proof that I'm in full ana mode has to come from the stupid hour at which I'm posting this, I've been ill for days and could do with some rest but my body seems to think otherwise. You'd think when starved a body would want more sleep, to use up a few resources as possible but the opposite seems true, at least where getting to sleep is concerned. So where do I go from here? I can see the pattern, understand the reason for my behaviour and know the answer to overcome it, but it's never that simple. Knowing what I'm doing and why I'm doing it are the easy part, I can identify those areas quite nicely now. Yet I still can't find a way to let things out gradually, it's nothing or floodgates, either way I can't win.