Urgh, urgh, urgh and a bit more urgh to boot. Why do I allow her to do it? Why do I answer the phone when she calls? Why do I feel compelled to be at her beck and call every minute of every day? Why does every decision revolve around what she would think? Why do I still love her? Do I still love her? Can I ever forgive her actions? Can I ever forgive myself? So many questions, so few answers.
I often know the answers before I start writing here, I always know what I want to explore and where I'm taking it so to speak. Yet this seems different, I have no clue what to write, no idea how I feel about things and no understanding of how another persons behaviour affects me. What I do know, is yet again I answered a late night call from L only to have her tell me that she loves me. Why? Why do I need to keep hearing that? I'm well aware of it, she has said it often enough, but if she really cared that deeply, why is she calling me from her car before entering the house where her present girlfriend waits for her? If she really cared, despite the financial implications she would leave her, wouldn't she?
I feel like the 'other woman' after nearly seven years of a relationship I'm stuck accepting that the best I can have is snippets of phone conversations and random meet ups either when H is at work or when she grants permission for me to be visited. It sucks, plain and simple. I said I wasn't going to be dragged into this game and yet here I am, somehow in the midst of it, hook, line and sinker. Why am I still so powerless to resist her charm, she's like a drug I can't quit, more addictive than heroin. I know I need to put a stop to this, I know I need to be strong resist contact but I already feel so weak and needy I'm not sure I have the strength to do it right now.
I wish I had the answers, I'm still so full of hurt given the way H treated me and meanwhile L gets away Scot free, with the best of both worlds. Part of me wants to let H into what is happening, to destroy her world just like she did mine, but doing that will only screw L's world up too and then I risk losing her forever. Equally I should be blaming L to, she's no innocent party to this chaos which has arrived. Of course once you start playing that game, it becomes apparent that I am also not blame free in this matter. Perhaps I am the most to blame, after all it was me that pushed them together, my illness which sparked a divide and my inability to cope with life last summer that lead to my return home.
If only things had been different, if only I had kept this under wraps, things would be so much easier. I'd give anything to go back to years (pretty much to this date incidentally) and cancel that first Dr's appointment. I wish I'd never let on that the cracks were starting to show, maybe then I could have prevent the chaos which has ensued. The chaos and havoc it has created not only with in my life, but equally in that of the kids and my family. I have created so much disruption, messed up plans for so many people, I wish I could go back and change it all. I'm sick of being responsible for so much damage. If I wasn't damaged good myself that I wouldn't cause this mess.
I can see and inevitable response occurring here, I feel messy, I have a world of feelings whirling around in my head and nothing constructive to do with them, so again I'll go off, self harm, punish myself for the bad person I am and then eat the rest of it away, until I'm satisfied that I am repulsive enough for no one to ever want to come near me again. How sad is that. I know what will happen and yet it will still occur. People will say it doesn't have to be that way, that there are alternatives, talking to people, going for a walk etc. However that won't cure this, it may delay a response, give me time to think things over a bit, perhaps do slightly less damage but I'll still feel like binging and cutting later, I always do. I simply cannot tolerate feeling this way, so overwhelmed and anxious. So hurt and rejected. So guilty and disgusting.
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