I'm so sick of being me sometimes it hurts. I'm sick of existing purely to cut myself or starve myself or stuff my gut with food only to vomit it back up later. Why after 2 years of counselling and therapy is it still my only way to cope when things get tough?
I guess I saw it coming and despite thinking that going to visit B and the girls would be productive it only served to worsen my mood and tip me further over the edge. One minute I'm going to help B paint his room, next thing when I mention it in front of the girls, they pipe up that L is doing it. Why do I even bother, I'd even spoken to L and said I was doing it, so somewhere some one's said something that's changed all that. I'm not bothered who does it to be honest, but I'm sick of not knowing where I stand. I'd just like some honesty from people, yet I don't think I'll ever get it.
I'm still sat pondering what really happened with L and H, whether or not tings were instigated before she officially left me. I'm still convinced it did and snippets I have heard from others suggest I'm not entirely mad so I guess that should answer it all. So why am I still her pawn? On discussing it with B tonight I pointed out that I feel right now like she feels like she's already hurt me, so it's easy to remain living with H until she's sorted financially and continue hurting me, rather than hurt someone else to and mess herself up financially and I guess that says it all. Despite the fact we're not together, I continue to put her first in everything I do, every thought I have, every action I take, considers how she would feel, yet she doesn't do the same for me, she's putting herself and her needs first, above mine.
Much as it pains me to say it, I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship like that, I want to be respected, i want my thoughts and feelings considered, I want to be put first, at least some of the time. I'm considered last by everybody, walked all over constantly and continually hurt by it. I wish I had the ability to be selfish, but no matter how hard I try, others always seem to get put before me.
Dad phoned tonight, started harping on about Christmas, asking when I was coming home etc. When I said I wasn't sure, suggested that I wanted to get back to have some of Christmas with the kids etc he seemed to constantly extend the length of my stay, ideally, I'd go home after my exams on the 23rd of December and travel home boxing day evening, but the way he was going on, it was like I was expected to be there for longer. He's stressing over booking tickets for a show, saying if me and S can't decide when we are going home then he won't book us tickets and we'll have to stay in bored if we do end up there. Well fine, seems he's happy to put his needs first, express his expectation of when he expects me home, but doesn't give a damn about me or when I may want to go home. He doesn't seem to realise it's events like this that make me want to stay away even more. When I feel pressured to do something, I resist, it makes me annoyed and agitated and I rebel. I'd like to feel like I could go home when I wanted, but I always feel like there's an expectation, that I should be there when it suits them, regardless of how I feel.
I'm slipping again, I want to curl up and die, as I'm sat writing, I'm thinking to myself that I wont even be here for Christmas. It seems like such a long time away, right now making the end of the week seems impossible, let alone Christmas. December means, getting enrolled at uni properly, turning up to uni, getting through my exams, coping with all the emotional shit I have going on etc, etc, it just doesn't seem feasible right now.
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