Today's been one of those lazy days, the kind where you wake up at 5pm and realise most of the day has slipped away whilst you slept. The sort where you realise you have no milk (not that I actually drink the stuff) and all the shops has closed. The type that can undoubtedly be classed as a Sunday without even looking at the calendar.
I've accomplished very little, in true Sunday style, had a bath, put some PJ's on and sat traipsing the Internet for musical talent I've yet to discover. Sometimes the search is fruitless, throwing up nothing more than a few B sides of bands I already know and love, today however was different. Whilst looking up gigs in the local area I noticed Ben's Brother (who I'm sure I'd heard of, but not really listened to if you catch my drift), after linking up with their site I sat and listened and was insistently mesmerised. I now fully intend to make my way down to the local music hot spot to check these guys out live and if you're reading this I fully suggest you go check out their site.
Anyway I digress, this blog wasn't really intended to discuss music in a straight-forward format, but rather link music to my life in an emotional sense, to allow me to explore issues I would perhaps otherwise shy away from.
The lyrics I've picked say it all really, they sum up the last 6 months of my relationship with L perfectly, that I tried, but I failed. That due to my maladjustments and emotional issue it simply didn't work. My illness allowed me to push away the one person I cared about most and for that I fear I may never forgive myself. Despite the ranging emotions I feel towards both L and H, one thing that has never left me since the day we spilt is the feeling that deep down, despite what I tell others, I know I am fully responsible for our parting. Whilst I don't think for one moment L left me when she did purely because of my illness (her getting together with H was all far to quick for that to be the only reason) I do think it put a barrier between us long before her actual departure.
In fact, with retrospect my illness affected our relationship further back than anyone may realise, whilst for all intents and purposes my illness began in August 2005, my behaviour traits/quirks/issues/whatever else you wish to label them, were causing cracks to appear long before then.
And then, as if by magic, as if my thinking about her had somehow been transmitted to her L phones. Nice chat to start with, I stupidly text her wondering if she wants to go see 'Ben's Brother' later in the month and then before you know it I begin to get all emotional. Telling her I can't live this double life, of her phoning when she wishes and saying she loves me, then no contact for days. A life of knowing she wants to be with me but won't split with H for financial reasons, a life of knowing that right now I'm the other woman. So I've made a decision, one which pains me, but one which for the meantime will probably do me a lot of good. I see her tomorrow after my Dr's appointment (because she booked one for her right before mine) and we are going for coffee and it is then that I'm going to tell her not to make contact with me until she's single.
As I write this I'm crying, I'm heartbroken that I'm having to do this, but I see no other way. I can't keep hearing all this stuff about how she loves me, about how H is doing her head in, about how she's going out on Friday with H and she's warning me because she have to act like nothing is wrong between them so I may witness that if I go, etc etc etc. I can keep being second best, I can't keep hearing how she can't do anything about her situation right now, because she could. She could do any number of things, including getting a lodger in, get a loan, moving house, speaking to the landlady etc but she wont, she's choosing not to act, therefore I am. I don't want to be second best anymore. I refuse to be second best. So that its, tomorrow it's goodbye.
I'm dreading it.
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